Stephen King was once asked how to handle the sting of rejection. His famous response was “Get a bigger nail.” Before he became a published author, he used to pin all his rejection letters to the wall until there were so many of them, they fell off. So he went and got a bigger nail. That much longer nail was able to hold over a hundred rejection letters he received from literary agents.
I like that perspective on rejection. If you see it as part of the journey then this new perspective could move your attention from the pain and could possibly even help heal the wound. One person might not value your work but you can value it and that will help you to find the people who also value you. Stephen King went on to find the millions of fans who appreciate his work despite his many rejections.
Rejection is part of the publication process. It is also par for the course of any job hunt or dating scene. You can either see it as a painful part of the process or you can see it as a gift. And it is a gift too. It saves you time and heartache from spending a lot of time with the wrong people. And if you get a rejection for a manuscript with feedback, that’s gold. If it’s legitimate constructive feedback, someone took the time to help you improve your writing. I’ve been learning this from experience. I recently finished writing a novel and now I’m in the process of searching for an agent to publish my book. I’ve had to face a lot of rejection and here’s what I learned.
Each time you are rejected, you realize that the person was not your ideal reader. And that’s absolutely fine. Everyone is entitled to their tastes, opinions and preferences. With millions of people out there, you are bound to find someone who clicks with you and appreciates your point of view. So instead of focusing on the pain of rejection, see it as another opportunity to keep looking to find your crew.
I feel the same way about a job search. The last thing I want is to get a job where I don’t fit in with the culture of the company or even worse, get a boss who secretly doesn’t like me. It’s better to get rejected from them. You will eventually find the people who right for you. You don’t need to conform. You don’t need to bend backwards trying to meet the expectations of someone who isn’t the right fit for you. The rejection opens up the opportunity for you to be yourself. You are free to be you. And there is joy in that freedom.
For a book recommendation, I really enjoyed Stephen King’s book “On Writing.” There is a lot of great advice for writers in it.
Rejections from multiple jobs was one of the most excruciating experiences I have had. It was frustrating and discouraging to the point where I began to doubt myself and question my ability to find meaningful employment. Eventually, I got a job, but my boss was mean-spirited, rude, and aggressive. The environment became so stressful that every day before entering the office, I would prayed just to have one good day at work. Eventually, I had to quit because the situation was affecting me negatively. In retrospect, I realized that the job and the people I worked with were simply put not a good fit for me because I could not be myself. This experience helped me understand the point made in this post that rejection can sometimes be a gift. Though in the moment rejection might feel like a failure, at times it can actually be redirecting us toward a better opportunity that is a better fit.
Dear Professor Poirot,
Thanks so much for sharing such empowering insight, and lessons learned. I was raised by my father, who was a Howard University Engineering Graduate, a World War II Veteran, an accomplished musician, and one of the contributing inventors of COBOL computer language.
My dad was super intelligent and multi-faucet, possessing many skills in science, arts, and music. He was often in his workshop tinkering with this or that, and had a deep passion for acquiring knowledge… and for impowering his family, friends, colleagues, and even his foes with knowledge.
With that said, my dad was also a humble African American man who came from a wealthy family, which afforded him a privileged upbringing during a time in America when civil rights, equal rights, and all other rights for woman and people of color were fought for hourly. As such he was also a civil rights activist, impacting on the front, middle, and rear of civil right causes as needed.
Thus, when my dad spoke we listened. He told me at a tinder young age that
“No, is not a permanent answer”. Instead the word “No” means to keep reinventing, remaking, or remodeling whatever it is until you get a “Yes”.
My dad’s advise has paid dividend for me time and time again. Hearing the rejection words “No”, inspires me to re-think my position then take a different path toward “Yes”. After all, delayed doesn’t mean denied!
I actually like being rejected sometimes because it challenges my ideas. If I really believe in an idea or a goal, being rejected makes me want to challenge it even more and see if I can make it work. I think people sometimes treat rejection like there is an expiration date or like a game where rejection means “game over,” when really, that is just life.
Some rejections can even be blessings in disguise. If rejection did not exist, people probably would not push themselves as much to prove their ideas or find a better way. One example that comes to mind is Ring on Shark Tank in 2013. The company was rejected by the Sharks, but they still went on to become extremely successful. The product was not necessarily bad. Instead, they were just pitching it to the wrong audience at the time.
I think rejection can be a sign to keep going, change your approach, or find the people who are actually the right fit for your idea.
Thank you for this blog. I appreciate your points and ideas!
People-pleasers need to read this. I’m both a perfectionist and a people-pleaser who burnt out on the agony of hearing no’s and never being myself. It’s an extra taxing situation that we don’t need to put ourselves in. Statistically speaking – like cold, hard numbers without emotion – there’s no way we can be everyone’s cup of tea. There’s no way every answer can be a YES. People are too unique. That should be viewed as a positive; that you’ll encounter different people that fit your path. That you’ll have unique situations that result from YES. And quite frankly, if everyone you met fit into your life, it’d get too crowded too quickly. If you got every YES, you’d either have too much to do or you’d still be stuck in one place. “Rejection is a gift”, 100%.
Rejection is surely painful, no matter who or what it comes from.
When you feel pain, let it flow. Don’t conceal it. Let it flow. A healthy life, both in mind and body, is built upon all things: joy, anger, sorrow, smiles, heartbreak, rejection, greetings. Please endure whatever you run into and let it flow. We call this condition a healthy life.